Saturday, February 15, 2014

random thoughts

i need to find a pace and settle into it. for the past few weeks i have been wide open trying to do too many things at once. clean everything. organize. love my husband. be a good mom. eat healthy, cut out caffine. help the hubs with his work. sell origami owl. etc etc.

of course i go all in, i'm an addict. i don't know how to do moderation. i'm either all in or none. before i started all of this internal cleansing that resulted in external changes i was caught in a rut. a pretty bad one. when i look back i realize i was really depressed. my days revolved around when i could nap. its all i thought of. seriously. even when i was working full time, i would plan my lunch "breaks" around sleeping. on the weekend i would sleep in, nap with william and then go to bed early. gone were the days of taking turns with christian and allowing him to catch up on sleep.

in my sleep i found something i needed. i found an escape and i found my mom. almost daily she would appear in my dreams. sometimes i would even wake up and think that she was still here. the dreams seemed so real bc more often than not she was dead in my dreams but had come back to life. most of the time only i could see her. sometimes we are sitting in her room having conversations like we used to and sometimes we are out and about and she was healthy. i guess this is part of the grief process. i miss her so much and feel so lost without her that i looked so forward to those times together. sometimes i think i could sleep for a week in the hopes that i would see her again.

grief is such a weird experience. sometimes i can think of her and even replay her death minute by minute and won't feel anything, and sometimes i will weep over not being able to share something so simple as maggie losing a tooth with her.

i was thinking about her a lot yesterday, i think the little girl from williams school who was getting picked up by grandma for the weekend set me off. william was only 18 months when she died. today marks 18 months since she has been gone. tomorrow william will be older than the amount of time that he knew her. something isn't right about that. maggie was only 5 ½, i know that eventually her memories of her grandmother will fade, and it will be up to me to keep those memories alive within her. thats a lot of pressure. that adds to the stress that i already feel. i have a really bad memory and have a hard enough time remembering my own things let alone remembering for someone else. i am not one of those people who says... remember back in so and so when so and so happened. i struggle with memories. i always have. not sure why. i used to think it was bc cause of all the drinking from back in the day but i know ppl who drank/still drink a LOT more than me and don't have issues. i guess its just me, how my mind works.

my mom wasn't much of a journal person. i only have a few random things that she has written down. i wish she would have journaled more. maybe thats a lesson for me. i should start again. i used to journal a LOT. like a new journal almost every other month or so. maybe ill start again. even if just to help me remember things.

anyway this post is a major ramble fest but i just needed to write down that i really miss my mom and its hard. its hard to not have her. its hard to have had such a small family to start with and now that the "glue" that kept us together is gone everything has scattered.

i started this post with the fact that i need to find a pace. i feel myself being drawn back into the sweet escape and i need to call it what it is and resist it. i will not go back to the darkness that is depression.


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