Sunday, February 16, 2014

engaged idealist

i took one of the many test that is going around Facebook these days about my personality and got the following, its pretty accurate!

Engaged Idealists are extroverted and helpful. Others find them to be very congenial and inspiring - especially as they are always willing to see the best in the other person. Their humour, their energy and their optimism attract other people.
Engaged Idealists are very good at communicating and are good at convincing and firing on others. That is why it is a matter of course that they often take over the leading role in groups. This personality type often produces very charismatic persons.

Engaged Idealists have an unusually strong ability to empathize  They are tolerant and generous towards others; they sometimes tend to idealise their friends. They always try to suit everybody and want their relationships to be harmonious and satisfactory. To achieve this, they are prepared to invest a great deal and to put their requirements last. As Engaged Idealists are very considerate, there is the danger of them sacrificing and overexerting themselves for others. In their job, they therefore have to be very careful not to develop a burnout syndrome.

Engaged Idealists are reliable, well organised and love structuring complicated situations. They have difficulty accepting criticism; they quickly feel hurt and misunderstood. Their perfectionism also influences their love life - they look for the perfect relationship for life. Once they have made their decision, they are faithful, well-balanced and loving partners. However, should they get involved with the wrong person, it can happen that they allow themselves to be exploited for a long time before they end the relationship.

Adjectives that describe your type
extroverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, committed, likable, enthusiastic, responsible, helpful, loyal, diplomatic, friendly, inspiring, caring, solicitous, optimistic, effusive, adaptable, communicative, articulate, convincing, energetic, optimistic, open, vulnerable
As an Engaged Idealist you are one of the extroverted personality types. You enjoy working in a colorfully diverse group of people who interest and inspire you. Working all by yourself is not your thing. You enjoy emphasizing with those around you and soon everybody senses the high priority and importance people represent to you. Therefore a team-oriented project is just right for you.
Your insight into human nature, your feel for your colleague’s and/or subordinate’s positive sides and potentials and your preparedness to encourage and support everyone around you to the best of your ability quickly brings them closer to you. People like to ask you for advice, appreciate your caring ways and appreciate to be taken under your wings. Within your means you are always available to others who need you because you yourself enjoy the ultimate gratification of being able to help others to make the best of themselves and to be successful mediating conflicts among people.

You are well suited to be an executive: It is difficult to resist your charisma, your enthusiasm and your ability to excite and motivate others. Authoritarian management attitudes are not your thing; it is your way to convince others of a project’s reason and significance who will then look forward to follow you voluntarily. You place a lot of value on creating the willingness to cooperate in others and with your gift to motivate that usually comes easy to you. You do not enjoy conflicts, need harmony and invest lots of energy and time in a good working climate and a harmonic relationship of your colleagues among each other.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

random thoughts

i need to find a pace and settle into it. for the past few weeks i have been wide open trying to do too many things at once. clean everything. organize. love my husband. be a good mom. eat healthy, cut out caffine. help the hubs with his work. sell origami owl. etc etc.

of course i go all in, i'm an addict. i don't know how to do moderation. i'm either all in or none. before i started all of this internal cleansing that resulted in external changes i was caught in a rut. a pretty bad one. when i look back i realize i was really depressed. my days revolved around when i could nap. its all i thought of. seriously. even when i was working full time, i would plan my lunch "breaks" around sleeping. on the weekend i would sleep in, nap with william and then go to bed early. gone were the days of taking turns with christian and allowing him to catch up on sleep.

in my sleep i found something i needed. i found an escape and i found my mom. almost daily she would appear in my dreams. sometimes i would even wake up and think that she was still here. the dreams seemed so real bc more often than not she was dead in my dreams but had come back to life. most of the time only i could see her. sometimes we are sitting in her room having conversations like we used to and sometimes we are out and about and she was healthy. i guess this is part of the grief process. i miss her so much and feel so lost without her that i looked so forward to those times together. sometimes i think i could sleep for a week in the hopes that i would see her again.

grief is such a weird experience. sometimes i can think of her and even replay her death minute by minute and won't feel anything, and sometimes i will weep over not being able to share something so simple as maggie losing a tooth with her.

i was thinking about her a lot yesterday, i think the little girl from williams school who was getting picked up by grandma for the weekend set me off. william was only 18 months when she died. today marks 18 months since she has been gone. tomorrow william will be older than the amount of time that he knew her. something isn't right about that. maggie was only 5 ½, i know that eventually her memories of her grandmother will fade, and it will be up to me to keep those memories alive within her. thats a lot of pressure. that adds to the stress that i already feel. i have a really bad memory and have a hard enough time remembering my own things let alone remembering for someone else. i am not one of those people who says... remember back in so and so when so and so happened. i struggle with memories. i always have. not sure why. i used to think it was bc cause of all the drinking from back in the day but i know ppl who drank/still drink a LOT more than me and don't have issues. i guess its just me, how my mind works.

my mom wasn't much of a journal person. i only have a few random things that she has written down. i wish she would have journaled more. maybe thats a lesson for me. i should start again. i used to journal a LOT. like a new journal almost every other month or so. maybe ill start again. even if just to help me remember things.

anyway this post is a major ramble fest but i just needed to write down that i really miss my mom and its hard. its hard to not have her. its hard to have had such a small family to start with and now that the "glue" that kept us together is gone everything has scattered.

i started this post with the fact that i need to find a pace. i feel myself being drawn back into the sweet escape and i need to call it what it is and resist it. i will not go back to the darkness that is depression.


Monday, February 3, 2014

justin bieber and the nipple incident

so it happened, i finally reached the point in my short lived run as a belieber. im done.

this time last year i was hard core supporting him. doing my best to get my then 5 year old to love him as much as i did - i secretly wanted an excuse to support him seeing as i am a 40 something mom :) but he's a talented guy so i didn't really need an excuse to jump on the bieber train but since i have a little girl, what better excuse? so i spent most of the end of 2012 and all of 2013 into him. i spent more hours than i care to admit checking his twitter and following along with all of his drama with selena and his crazy fandom. those girls that love him...love him to the death, which i where i am afraid he is headed.

it was a fun escape, maybe i was reliving my teenage years all over again. it was an innocent obsession, something to do late at night after being a mom all day, you know be-bopping around to his upbeat songs and wishing i had just an ounce of coordination to dance a smidge like him! i read his moms book, spent many an hour flipping through his books and may or may not have had "beauty and a beat" on repeat in my car. so yeah, i was into him and was super excited that my daughter had someone she could look up to and music she could listen to that i wasn't too worried about. yes some of the songs may have inappropriate words here and there but over all the biebs was all good!

at the time i was working with a non profit that serves women and girls who have been victims of sexual abuse, specifically sex trafficking in girls 12-17. i was so hopeful that somehow someone could get JB to jump onto this cause...i mean come on, his audience is that exact population. how amazing would it be if he could begin to educate his beliebers on how to keep themselves safe. even his own mom has been a victim of sexual abuse. such an amazing opportunity to show these precious girls, that would do anything for him, how amazing they are and to show them how a real man treats women... i was hopeful that he would come across this cause on his own and do something. it would have been the perfect platform for him, especially when it comes to prevention. if we can educate these girls we are that much further ahead of the perpetrator. anyway off that soapbox, it was just a dream.

then things started to happen with JB, these songs came out ...lolly and don't hate tha playa, we heard about him peeing in buckets and getting high, on again off again with selena, drama and more drama. most of it i blew off as normal teenage stuff, i mean, i can not even imagine how hard it is to grow up in the media, and as part of the generation who has their entire life published for the world to judge. so i get some of it. money, fame, celebrity. that has to be hard.

but when you sign up for that life that is what you get. you can't pee in buckets, get high and get arrested without consequences. when you are justin bieber a certain amount of accountability and responsibility has to be expected of you. when you have the ability to influence so many why not do more to be a positive influence.

i get it, you help build schools, you visit poor kids, you give them your shoes, you visit children's hospitals etc, etc. but you know and i know that people only remember the stuff of controversy, so stop it.

think about your little sister, what if in 20 years those are her nipples that are being bitten on and photographed and shared around the world. that girl in that picture is someones daughter. she was a little girl too. she didn't dream of being a stripper who would one day become famous because some famous guy bit her nipples, photographed it and allowed the picture to be published. she had different hopes and dreams. so stop it, stand up for women like her and show all of these girls that love you that they don't need to be treated this way to be loved. think of your mom and your sister and all of your precious beliebers who mean so much to you,  do the right thing.