Sunday, May 12, 2013

mothers day without my mom

today was not as hard as i thought it would be but i think sometimes i am just avoiding my feelings, pulling it together for my kids. maggie hates it when i cry so we dont talk about my mom often. the few times we have it has been hard for me. i hate how "easy" it is for her. maggie has not cried about her even one time. but i know kids process grief different than adults. i know she misses her. she has to. they were best friends. maggie is what kept my mom alive for the almost 6 years she was sick.

but today was ok. it started with maggie waking me up with breakfast in bed with cards and flowers. she made me a glitter covered candle and william made me a hand print tile. those gifts are the best.

i didnt call my dad because i knew i would cry. or my grandmother. in fact i dont talk to her much at all these days. the person who was keeping that part of the family together is gone. im not close to my moms brothers anymore and the only other person was my grandmother. there are some hurt feelings there from when my mom passed away that are still lingering. i hope time will heal those wounds. {more on that a later post - id love advice on that}.

i didnt want to talk to anyone about her. i got several text messages and facebook posts. very nice and so thoughtful and i am sure many people were praying for me because i was unusually at peace today.

but i knew if i talked about her the flood gate would open and the day would go a different direction. i dont know how people do it when they dont have their own children to distract them. i think about my sweet friend jill who lost her mom - jill didnt have her girls yet - she is now the mommy of two precious girls - but when her mom died jill didnt have them to distract her. i can only imagine how hard it was for jill that first mothers day. especially since jill had struggled with infertility. i really think the only thing that keeps me going sometimes are my kids. but then again i dont know because they are here and they keep me distracted. i wonder if im keeping all the tears in and one day they will burst out?

anyway this post is a total ramble fest but i needed to document today. thanks for listening.


1 comment:

Jill said...

You were on my heart, and I'm sure many others...I'm glad you felt that peace. And honestly, my worst mother's day was her last...she was really sick and I was in the THICK of infertility. But the next one, after she passed away, I was pregnant. And worked a long day on UpStreet! (That job was my "child" then, truly, a gift!) God was so gracious to give me that first miracle pregnancy so soon after she died. He gets us through it in amazing ways...not without some really dark days, but it is amazing how sometimes the ones you think are going to be hard, aren't as much...I'm thankful you made it through ok yesterday. Hang in there friend!