Tuesday, May 28, 2013


hi it's mags just saying whenever you see your dreams reach out for them and GRAB IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS BELIEVE!!!

Friday, May 17, 2013

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

mama continued

wow i cant believe it has been since november that i have written more of the story about what happened when my mom died. maybe i just didnt want to. anyway as i have said before here and here this is mostly for me to remember what happened. feel free to read along, comment or not.

august 12th:
so after christian woke me up and said that my dad said to get to the hospital now bc things didnt look good i flew out there as fast as i could. praying that she wouldnt die before i got there. all i wanted was for her to wait for me. she did. i got to the hospital it was me and my dad at that point. no one else was there yet but hour by hour more people began to show up. she was very loved. i just checked back at some of my texts - see told you i have a horrible memory - and saw that my friends rose, stacey, jenn and erica all came out to the hospital, they texted me at 9:50am from the ICU waiting room. that day is a blur, all i remember doing is crying all day once it looked like she was going to live through the day, we met with hospice bc we desperately wanted to get her home to her own bed with her own dogs so that she could be at peace. she never wanted to die in the hospital. its scary how desperate you get when you are trying to give someone their dying wish, really all we wanted was her to get home.

we met off and on all day with her hospice team and it was decided that she would go home that day. well that didnt happen, it was a sunday and her doctor was not able to do what he needed to do to get her home that day, he said we needed to wait. i went to her house that night and slept in her bed on her pillow. all i wanted to do was to be near her. i was hopeful that we would bring her home the next day so i stayed close to the hospital, well the next day came and went and we didnt get to bring her home, too much red tape with hospice and the doctor, i dont even remember the problems at this point but she stayed in the hospital another day.

august 13th
again so many people came to see her, jody her best friend, my aunt becky, me and my dad didnt leave her side all day, one of us was always there with her. becky and i spent the night with her that night. i sat in a chair by her bed all night and just held her hand. i just wanted to be near her.

august 14th
morning came and we finally got word that she would be going home! its been said that people who are close to dying have surges of energy. she did this. that morning she was alert, wide awake and passing out kisses. i think the woman must have kissed everyone. she was talking, she told me she loved me, she hugged me back, it was amazing. even then i thought wow this woman is remarkable, seriously, she may just shock us all and beat this thing. but i think she was just excited to go home. she knew she was finally going home. to her bed with her dogs, where she could be in peace. we got her home that morning and the hospice people came over. they told us about all of the things we could/should expect, one of them being the possibility that she may bleed from her eyes. she had a large blood spot on her left eye from where the tumor was pressing and the nurse said not to be too surprised if this causes her to bleed from there. i lost it at this point, i remember i fell to the ground and my dad gave me some sort of pill and i went out on to the porch and just cried. before we had met with the nurses my mom said that she coudlnt see so that combined with the thought of her bleeding from her eyes was too much for me. i was so afraid for her. i didnt want her to be scared if she couldnt see. i knew she was already so confused. all of this happened so fast. she was at the beach on JULY 29th and now she was DYING on AUGUST 14th. i just wanted her to be at peace and out of pain. that afternoon she went to sleep and we believe she slipped into a coma that night because she never woke up.

one of the last pictures taken of her. she is with her dog gracie - really the only place she ever wanted to be.

august 15th
i spent the entire day by her side. she died at 9:46 pm. {10 months ago today}

Sunday, May 12, 2013

mothers day without my mom

today was not as hard as i thought it would be but i think sometimes i am just avoiding my feelings, pulling it together for my kids. maggie hates it when i cry so we dont talk about my mom often. the few times we have it has been hard for me. i hate how "easy" it is for her. maggie has not cried about her even one time. but i know kids process grief different than adults. i know she misses her. she has to. they were best friends. maggie is what kept my mom alive for the almost 6 years she was sick.

but today was ok. it started with maggie waking me up with breakfast in bed with cards and flowers. she made me a glitter covered candle and william made me a hand print tile. those gifts are the best.

i didnt call my dad because i knew i would cry. or my grandmother. in fact i dont talk to her much at all these days. the person who was keeping that part of the family together is gone. im not close to my moms brothers anymore and the only other person was my grandmother. there are some hurt feelings there from when my mom passed away that are still lingering. i hope time will heal those wounds. {more on that a later post - id love advice on that}.

i didnt want to talk to anyone about her. i got several text messages and facebook posts. very nice and so thoughtful and i am sure many people were praying for me because i was unusually at peace today.

but i knew if i talked about her the flood gate would open and the day would go a different direction. i dont know how people do it when they dont have their own children to distract them. i think about my sweet friend jill who lost her mom - jill didnt have her girls yet - she is now the mommy of two precious girls - but when her mom died jill didnt have them to distract her. i can only imagine how hard it was for jill that first mothers day. especially since jill had struggled with infertility. i really think the only thing that keeps me going sometimes are my kids. but then again i dont know because they are here and they keep me distracted. i wonder if im keeping all the tears in and one day they will burst out?

anyway this post is a total ramble fest but i needed to document today. thanks for listening.