Monday, April 8, 2013

1999 ~ 2000 dates to remember - because my memory stinks

i found an old piece of paper from a journal and thought it might be important to document this on the web rather than a random piece of paper, seeing as my memory stinks and all.

1999 ~ stopped drinking in April - the 10th to be exact. i stopped on the same day that the father of my boyfriend at the time was celebrating his anniversary. not sure how many years it was for him but i chose that day to be the day i stopped. the best decision i ever made for sure. in case you didnt stop to do the math that is a LONG FREAKING TIME AGO! FOURTEEN years ago, sans two days from right now. i cant believe i have been sober almost 14 years. lets just go ahead and call it 14 bc lets be honest its not like i have a ton of blog readers, so in the chance that you are reading this at all, it is probably way past the time that i posted this so ill go ahead and give myself a 14 years sober pat on the back! congrats me! thanks me!

2000 {may 8th} ~ became a Christian,  - got saved - born into the family of the Lord, yada, yada. whatever you want to call it. i got my act together. see, i had been sober for over a year. but i was what they - whoever they are - call dry drunk. i was pretty much white knuckling my life. you know the hang on for dear life bc if you let go you might die? yeah that. but for whatever reason i chose that day to finally turn it over to something greater than me and ask for help. the guy i was dating at the time knew that i was seeking something. i was struggling with my sobriety, not making the best decisions in my relationship with him, angry and depressed. i cried a LOT. and i cried a LOT to him, about him and me and what was wrong with us? {we had a very healthy relationship don't ya think} anyway, he knew i needed something and he knew i had looked for that something in every place that i could so he very simply laid it out for me. paraphrase {remember my memory stinks}: "listen, i know you are miserable, hurting, depressed and you have looked everywhere to fill the God sized hole in you, so why not look to God to fill that hole." hum, keep talking. "you were born with a God sized hole in you, like we all were and even though i {him} am not walking super close to God right now i do know the "right" things to do. so why not ask him to help you feel better?" ok, what does that mean? "well, you just close your eyes and ask Jesus to live in your heart and to help you with everything you are going through. and listen erin, if it doesnt work it doesnt work. you have tried everything else, why not try this?" hum, ok sounds like a plan to me. so what do i do? he then proceeded to talk to me about the sinners prayer and what that meant from a biblical perspective and asked me if i wanted him to pray with me? even though i was a hot mess i knew enough to know that i didnt want part of the main problem in my life - read him - to pray with me about him. ya know. so i hung up the phone and say on the floor of my room on a monday afternoon and just cried and cried. you know the kind of crying where its coming up from your gut? the kind that makes your whole body shake, snot from head to toe? that was me. so i cried ad cried and just talked to God. just said if you are there help me. i hate my life, i dont want to die but i dont want to live with this kind of pain anymore. so please just help me. i think i said a few things that my friend had suggested like live in my heart or something like that but i basically begged for my life and for peace in that life. SO, here is where the really cool part of the story comes in. so remember when i was talking before about ugly cry face, snot from head to toe, my cat's fur was even wet from me crying on them? well the minute i asked God for help, literally the exact minute, i stopped crying. it was like a switched flipped and i was at peace. and here is the even cooler part: my face was dry. the tears had evaporated. i had my head down while i was praying/crying with God and when i looked up - dont miss this ---> my freaking room was glowing. no, i am not exaggerating, i know my memory stinks but i remember this as clear as if it just happened. i was sitting on the floor of my room next to my bed, the end table and phone were next to me and when you looked up over my bed there was a large picture window across the room. i lived in an apartment and all i had were the standard blinds on the window and the entire outline of the window and that side of the room was glowing. i felt like i was floating. so much peace. i just wanted to sit in that moment for as long as i could. after a while i called my friend and said i think i just had one of those spiritual experiences they talk about in AA, i told him what happened and he said "no, you just got saved".


1 comment:

Laura Perry said...

write it out. write it out. write it OUT. Carry On, Warrior. xo