Tuesday, June 4, 2013

M. arvlos O. utstanding M. om

I've been home with a sick baby boy this week but its allowed me to do some things around the house like clean up my home "office". You can't even see the surface of my desk for all the papers - mine and of course Maggie's - everything I did at school that I didn't already bring home since its the end of the school year pile!

As I was going through some of the items this morning I came across something that filled my heart with love and my eyes with tears.

Dear Mom!
I love you with all
My heart you can not stop me
From loving you even when you are not
Here I love you wance agin you
Can't stop me for ceeping
Me away from you my heart belongs
In yours
You are my hero
Maggie loves you
Love you mom
M stands for mom
A stands for awesome
G stands for great
S stands for spectakular!
M. arvlos
O. utstanding
M. om

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


hi it's mags just saying whenever you see your dreams reach out for them and GRAB IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS BELIEVE!!!

Friday, May 17, 2013

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

mama continued

wow i cant believe it has been since november that i have written more of the story about what happened when my mom died. maybe i just didnt want to. anyway as i have said before here and here this is mostly for me to remember what happened. feel free to read along, comment or not.

august 12th:
so after christian woke me up and said that my dad said to get to the hospital now bc things didnt look good i flew out there as fast as i could. praying that she wouldnt die before i got there. all i wanted was for her to wait for me. she did. i got to the hospital it was me and my dad at that point. no one else was there yet but hour by hour more people began to show up. she was very loved. i just checked back at some of my texts - see told you i have a horrible memory - and saw that my friends rose, stacey, jenn and erica all came out to the hospital, they texted me at 9:50am from the ICU waiting room. that day is a blur, all i remember doing is crying all day once it looked like she was going to live through the day, we met with hospice bc we desperately wanted to get her home to her own bed with her own dogs so that she could be at peace. she never wanted to die in the hospital. its scary how desperate you get when you are trying to give someone their dying wish, really all we wanted was her to get home.

we met off and on all day with her hospice team and it was decided that she would go home that day. well that didnt happen, it was a sunday and her doctor was not able to do what he needed to do to get her home that day, he said we needed to wait. i went to her house that night and slept in her bed on her pillow. all i wanted to do was to be near her. i was hopeful that we would bring her home the next day so i stayed close to the hospital, well the next day came and went and we didnt get to bring her home, too much red tape with hospice and the doctor, i dont even remember the problems at this point but she stayed in the hospital another day.

august 13th
again so many people came to see her, jody her best friend, my aunt becky, me and my dad didnt leave her side all day, one of us was always there with her. becky and i spent the night with her that night. i sat in a chair by her bed all night and just held her hand. i just wanted to be near her.

august 14th
morning came and we finally got word that she would be going home! its been said that people who are close to dying have surges of energy. she did this. that morning she was alert, wide awake and passing out kisses. i think the woman must have kissed everyone. she was talking, she told me she loved me, she hugged me back, it was amazing. even then i thought wow this woman is remarkable, seriously, she may just shock us all and beat this thing. but i think she was just excited to go home. she knew she was finally going home. to her bed with her dogs, where she could be in peace. we got her home that morning and the hospice people came over. they told us about all of the things we could/should expect, one of them being the possibility that she may bleed from her eyes. she had a large blood spot on her left eye from where the tumor was pressing and the nurse said not to be too surprised if this causes her to bleed from there. i lost it at this point, i remember i fell to the ground and my dad gave me some sort of pill and i went out on to the porch and just cried. before we had met with the nurses my mom said that she coudlnt see so that combined with the thought of her bleeding from her eyes was too much for me. i was so afraid for her. i didnt want her to be scared if she couldnt see. i knew she was already so confused. all of this happened so fast. she was at the beach on JULY 29th and now she was DYING on AUGUST 14th. i just wanted her to be at peace and out of pain. that afternoon she went to sleep and we believe she slipped into a coma that night because she never woke up.

one of the last pictures taken of her. she is with her dog gracie - really the only place she ever wanted to be.

august 15th
i spent the entire day by her side. she died at 9:46 pm. {10 months ago today}

Sunday, May 12, 2013

mothers day without my mom

today was not as hard as i thought it would be but i think sometimes i am just avoiding my feelings, pulling it together for my kids. maggie hates it when i cry so we dont talk about my mom often. the few times we have it has been hard for me. i hate how "easy" it is for her. maggie has not cried about her even one time. but i know kids process grief different than adults. i know she misses her. she has to. they were best friends. maggie is what kept my mom alive for the almost 6 years she was sick.

but today was ok. it started with maggie waking me up with breakfast in bed with cards and flowers. she made me a glitter covered candle and william made me a hand print tile. those gifts are the best.

i didnt call my dad because i knew i would cry. or my grandmother. in fact i dont talk to her much at all these days. the person who was keeping that part of the family together is gone. im not close to my moms brothers anymore and the only other person was my grandmother. there are some hurt feelings there from when my mom passed away that are still lingering. i hope time will heal those wounds. {more on that a later post - id love advice on that}.

i didnt want to talk to anyone about her. i got several text messages and facebook posts. very nice and so thoughtful and i am sure many people were praying for me because i was unusually at peace today.

but i knew if i talked about her the flood gate would open and the day would go a different direction. i dont know how people do it when they dont have their own children to distract them. i think about my sweet friend jill who lost her mom - jill didnt have her girls yet - she is now the mommy of two precious girls - but when her mom died jill didnt have them to distract her. i can only imagine how hard it was for jill that first mothers day. especially since jill had struggled with infertility. i really think the only thing that keeps me going sometimes are my kids. but then again i dont know because they are here and they keep me distracted. i wonder if im keeping all the tears in and one day they will burst out?

anyway this post is a total ramble fest but i needed to document today. thanks for listening.


Sunday, April 14, 2013

rub a dub dub

look at these cuties. bath time is such a good time to see their growth.
 the one below is from this week. look at the progression of not only the kids but the number of toys in the tub. we go from no toys, to some toys, to all the toys!

this year 2013

last year 2012

2 years ago 2011

Thursday, April 11, 2013

camp highland

ahhhh camp highland. i have so many fond memories of that summer. see, since i came to know God so late in life - i was 27 - and i am an alcoholic - read addict - i took this christian thing serious. i went full force. i wanted to make up for lost time and have as many experiences as i could right away. i went a little over board in hindsight but hey you have to learn on your own right? i sure do miss all those cd's i threw out bc a book i read said to get rid of anything that has memories of your life "before" attached to it. so i threw away EVERYTHING. including my journey cd's, seriously? WTH? anyway, back to camp.

so one experience i wanted to have was being a camp counselor! ha! i had heard about a place called camp highland. they had an over night camp for big kids and a day camp for elementary aged kiddos. sign me up! it was on the same campus as my current church and it was a christian camp. see everything in my life needed to be christian at this point. i was obsessed. i even took my bible with me to the gym. dork :) but taking that with me to the gym proved purposeful when i meant one of my current best friends bc of it. i saw some girls walking into the gym one day and recognized them from church and kelly saw the bible on the treadmill and we started talking. we are still friends to this day!

kelly is on the left, me, tracey.

so i applied to work at the camp. best thing i did! i loved it, i have some awesome memories from that summer. made some great friends! sarah, jen, cathy, jonathan, michael, lauren, kurt. so much fun. the best part was that i got to be a kid again and really learn about faith through the eyes of a child. while i was teaching them i think i was really the one learning. it was also the first place i learned about serving others. ill never forget - which is funny since my memory stinks! one of the things that bill chapman - the founder of camp highland - said during our orientation. he was talking about the kiddos and how to serve them. now remember, we are talking about teenagers, young adults and me working with little kids. these kids were as young as 4 - almost 5 - and we were serving them. but it was amazing. bill said, when you are with these kids and they are doing something you want them to stop doing, think about this: are they just getting on your nerves or are they really going something they shouldnt be doing. i often think about that. there were many many times that summer that i was tired of doing something they wanted to do, or they really were driving me crazy or just really getting on my nerves but i kept on. i kept on playing, i kept on singing, i kept on serving them. it was awesome. i have a specific memory of carrying one little boy all the way across the parking lot {black as black can be parking lot in the hot hot summer} because he forgot his shoes. it was hot, he was heavy and i was tired, but i was there to serve him. so i carried him back and forth across that hot parking lot and back and his little feet never had to touch the hot ground.

me and sarah

cathy, me and jen

me and jonathan

2000 continued

picking up where i left off...so "i got saved" what does that even mean? for me it meant a lot. it completely changed the trajectory of my life. at the time all of the previous mentioned chaos was going on i was working in the adult entertainment industry as a stripper {there will probably be many more posts about that} and a shooter girl, yes i was stripping, serving drinks and working in a bar while sober. ha! no wonder i was such a "dry drunk" {someone who is still behaving like a drunk but isnt drinking}.

so i had this amazing spiritual moment on a monday afternoon, on the floor in my bedroom. the very next day, i went to work. i walked in and immediately felt something different, the usually loud music, people laughing, etc was not appealing to me. i walked in, walked over to the house mom and said im quitting. and i did. i never looked back.

i borrowed money from a friend, broke my apartment lease and moved in with my best friend. that december i moved in with my parents and started working at a video store. i had a thing for photography at the time so this was fun for me. i was going to church and 722 {a bible study for singles}. making new friends, i got in a small group, and started a new life away from all the chaos.

these are the ladies from my small group, steph (not the same as the BFF steph), me, jen w/ little abby, melissa and rose.

this is me and the best friend, stephanie.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

holy loved forgiven

i remember a time not so long ago
there were so many things i didn’t know
i lived life without any assistance
unaware of your existence
higher power, “god”, mother earth
the universe
self-help and counseling sessions
all those things kept me from seeing you there in heaven
i thought i was fine all on my own
little did i know i was lost and alone
thank you Lord even though i couldn’t see you
somehow you knew
all it would take, the heated debates
i thought i was crazy
my mind and thoughts were so hazy
alcohol, money, drugs and sex
all the insatiable desires of my flesh
through all of that darkness you could see
holy loved forgiven saved me
cleansing love that comes to us from above
thank you for helping me work it out
for sorting through all of my doubt
thank you that you always knew
i would eventually find what was true
thank you Jesus that truth was You


Monday, April 8, 2013

new life

today is your special day
to proclaim the name of Jesus
the one who has shown you the way
you are such a delight
what a beautiful sight
to see
what amazing gift your
friendship is to me
thank you for your heart
for allowing me into a small part
of who you are
even that small part of you
shines like the brightest star
today a part of you will die
but that part is the rest of the lie
even though you became pure and new
the moment you said I do
today you will rise in Him
washed forever of your sin
today is a public symbol
of his dying sacrifice
to show the world around you
that he paid your high price
he shed his blood for you
to show you that He is true
there was nothing you could do
you must accept this amazing gift
and all that it comes with
grace patience mercy love
all of His wonderful blessings from above
today I rejoice with Him
grateful that you are my friend

Spring 2003

1999 ~ 2000 dates to remember - because my memory stinks

i found an old piece of paper from a journal and thought it might be important to document this on the web rather than a random piece of paper, seeing as my memory stinks and all.

1999 ~ stopped drinking in April - the 10th to be exact. i stopped on the same day that the father of my boyfriend at the time was celebrating his anniversary. not sure how many years it was for him but i chose that day to be the day i stopped. the best decision i ever made for sure. in case you didnt stop to do the math that is a LONG FREAKING TIME AGO! FOURTEEN years ago, sans two days from right now. i cant believe i have been sober almost 14 years. lets just go ahead and call it 14 bc lets be honest its not like i have a ton of blog readers, so in the chance that you are reading this at all, it is probably way past the time that i posted this so ill go ahead and give myself a 14 years sober pat on the back! congrats me! thanks me!

2000 {may 8th} ~ became a Christian,  - got saved - born into the family of the Lord, yada, yada. whatever you want to call it. i got my act together. see, i had been sober for over a year. but i was what they - whoever they are - call dry drunk. i was pretty much white knuckling my life. you know the hang on for dear life bc if you let go you might die? yeah that. but for whatever reason i chose that day to finally turn it over to something greater than me and ask for help. the guy i was dating at the time knew that i was seeking something. i was struggling with my sobriety, not making the best decisions in my relationship with him, angry and depressed. i cried a LOT. and i cried a LOT to him, about him and me and what was wrong with us? {we had a very healthy relationship don't ya think} anyway, he knew i needed something and he knew i had looked for that something in every place that i could so he very simply laid it out for me. paraphrase {remember my memory stinks}: "listen, i know you are miserable, hurting, depressed and you have looked everywhere to fill the God sized hole in you, so why not look to God to fill that hole." hum, keep talking. "you were born with a God sized hole in you, like we all were and even though i {him} am not walking super close to God right now i do know the "right" things to do. so why not ask him to help you feel better?" ok, what does that mean? "well, you just close your eyes and ask Jesus to live in your heart and to help you with everything you are going through. and listen erin, if it doesnt work it doesnt work. you have tried everything else, why not try this?" hum, ok sounds like a plan to me. so what do i do? he then proceeded to talk to me about the sinners prayer and what that meant from a biblical perspective and asked me if i wanted him to pray with me? even though i was a hot mess i knew enough to know that i didnt want part of the main problem in my life - read him - to pray with me about him. ya know. so i hung up the phone and say on the floor of my room on a monday afternoon and just cried and cried. you know the kind of crying where its coming up from your gut? the kind that makes your whole body shake, snot from head to toe? that was me. so i cried ad cried and just talked to God. just said if you are there help me. i hate my life, i dont want to die but i dont want to live with this kind of pain anymore. so please just help me. i think i said a few things that my friend had suggested like live in my heart or something like that but i basically begged for my life and for peace in that life. SO, here is where the really cool part of the story comes in. so remember when i was talking before about ugly cry face, snot from head to toe, my cat's fur was even wet from me crying on them? well the minute i asked God for help, literally the exact minute, i stopped crying. it was like a switched flipped and i was at peace. and here is the even cooler part: my face was dry. the tears had evaporated. i had my head down while i was praying/crying with God and when i looked up - dont miss this ---> my freaking room was glowing. no, i am not exaggerating, i know my memory stinks but i remember this as clear as if it just happened. i was sitting on the floor of my room next to my bed, the end table and phone were next to me and when you looked up over my bed there was a large picture window across the room. i lived in an apartment and all i had were the standard blinds on the window and the entire outline of the window and that side of the room was glowing. i felt like i was floating. so much peace. i just wanted to sit in that moment for as long as i could. after a while i called my friend and said i think i just had one of those spiritual experiences they talk about in AA, i told him what happened and he said "no, you just got saved".

new blog header

for those of you who read this blog from a reader i wanted to post my new blog header here since i know most of you will never see it! man i love those kiddos!

Saturday, March 23, 2013


oh oh oh I know how life get's in your way
oh oh oh oh oh oh 
just open your eyes and know that you are so so butiful
oh oh oh oh 
i've havent known you for that long
we just met not to long ago 
so just open your eyes and know that you are butiful
oh oh butiful
-maggie 5 - almost six -  years old 

ps. i turned off the letter verification on commenting if you want to write her a note about her poem :)

Friday, February 1, 2013

happy birthday little man

happy 2nd birthday to the best kiddo ever! we love you william!