Sunday, July 23, 2017

What the hell have I done

Woah. Scott came to our church today and preached my face off. His crazy story is a little like mine. Too bad I have wasted the last 15 years of my life and he has provided clean water to millions. Geez. What is it that some people have that thing that makes them get up and go and some people sit on the sidelines and let their lives pass them by?

Call it the "I'm almost 45 life crisis" or whatever but for the love I can not get settled. My sprit. My heart. My head. It's all crazy. I've been feeling so reflective and yet resentful at the same time about the past 15 years of my life. What in the hell difference have I made? Yeah I have 2 great kids yada yada but those 2 kids are spoiled and entitled and have no sense of anything outside of themselves. As a mom I feel like I have failed them. Failed our family. Our marriage. In almost the same amount of time that Scott has basically changed the freaking world I have lived in a shitty marriage, watched my mom die from stupid breast cancer and raised 2 entitled kids. Woohoo. Good for me. 

I'm having a massive pity party today. 




Saturday, July 22, 2017

Documentation

I've decided to start writing about my days. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my memory sux. Maybe if I start journaling again it will help. I have no idea how long this will last or even what will come of it but here goes. 

Today is Saturday. I worked on my school work for a bit then worked in the yard. I chopped the mess out of the rose bushes. You can actually see the porch again. Our house is so pretty when it isn't over run by too many bushes!

After working in the 92 degree heat I took the boys to the pool. 

I also finished stringing an order. 


I also worked on trying to get the circle from Disney thing to work. It should be good for our family once I get it set up. 

I think that's it's for now. 




Thursday, July 31, 2014

its been two years since i looked at you

i can't believe it has been two years. two years since my mom was here on this earth. this time 2 years ago today she was here. she was alive, warm and talking to me. reassuring me that her headaches were caused by an ear infection and that she would be fine. william was barely walking - he was for sure not talking, maggie was about to start kindergarten and i was about to turn 40.

today is the day before my 42nd birthday, maggie starts 2nd grade next week and william is running and talking back to mommy!

i can't believe that tomorrow will be 2 years since my mom was about to go in to surgery to have several masses removed from her brain.

two years since i had hope that maybe she would beat cancers ass after all.

two years since i was able to hug her and have her hug me back.

two years since i was able to hear her say she loved me without it hurting her to speak.

two years since maggie was able to crawl in bed with her and watch "a show".

two years since william shared breakfast with her.

so, what have i learned in the past two years?

time does heal...try to tell me that as i was crying on the back deck of my childhood home waiting for them to come and collect my mothers body. but it does. it has too. you will wake up, you will eat and you will laugh again. i had two little ones to raise. and my mom would have been so disappointed in me if i didn't raise them well. she loved those kids more than anything - i know they are the reason she fought as hard as she did. in the beginning, i thought about her all the time. i replayed her death in my mind regularly, i cried ALL the time. i even had a panic attack around christmas the first year - 4 months after she died. and then it slowly started to not hurt as much. all of the "1st times since she died" passed and i survived. and then i not only survived but i began to thrive, i took control of my own life back and started to focus on me and what i wanted. i was no longer a girl with a mom dying of cancer. i was me. i had a family of my own and a husband and kids that needed me. it took a while but i made it back!

people grieve differently...you can not judge another person by the way that they grieve. people process emotions uniquely, as unique as they are, and you can not expect otherwise. some people cry, some get mad, some don't talk at all. and its okay. you have to give people permission and freedom to grieve whatever way they need to. and it takes as long as it takes. because...

great love = great pain...i had a great friend tell me once that the reason i hurt so bad is because i loved so much. if i would not have loved her as i did and had her love me as much as she did then i would not feel as much pain. i would take this great pain any day to have had the kind of relationship i had with my mom. she was truly the best fiend i have ever had.

the littlest things will set you off...i may think i am plugging along doing okay and then maggie loses her 1st tooth and i am sobbing on the bathroom floor because i can't call my mom and tell her.

hope is stressful...i didn't realize how stressful until she died. but it is. its stressful to not know what is  coming. to keep trying this and that. putting her through all the things she went through. seeing her in so much pain, but ever hopeful that this would be the thing that worked. she even surged  a couple of days before she died. she started talking and passing out kisses to everyone. and even though rationally i knew she was dying, i still hoped that maybe, just maybe, she would be the one to defy the odds. and then she died.

its okay to feel relief...and once she was gone, as much as it hurt and still hurts, it was a relief for her to not be in anymore pain. to not have to wonder what else she would go through. i remember thinking that i am so relieved that her death was peaceful, grateful that the process wasn't, but could have been much worse. its okay to take all the energy that i was putting towards caring for her and put it towards myself and my own family. its okay to focus again on my marriage and my personal health.

children do feel...when i first found out that my mom had compilations from her surgery, maggie was the 1st person i thought of. they were so close and i just knew that maggie would be devastated. they were best friends...what would maggie do without her. i was afraid to tell maggie. but when i did she was okay. she moved on about her day and even went to the pool. at the party to celebrate my moms life, maggie wrote a note on a balloon and sent it up to grandma. she played with friends and it didn't seem to even phase her. i remember being mad at her. wondering WHY isn't she sad? when maggie would cry over having to leave the dogs at my dads house to go back to our house i yelled at her: you are crying over the dogs, what about your grandmother??? and then a few months ago, about 18 months after my mom died, maggie got upset. she started crying and wanted to talk. now we are able to talk about her and its okay. i don't cry and maggie is able to tell me how she feels. i think she knew I needed time. I needed her to wait to talk about grandma. I needed to be the one to be able to handle it. not her.

i miss my mom and it hurts sometimes more than think i can take...but i don't think about her all day every day and thats okay...

its been two years since i looked at you, put my head on your shoulder and said i loved you

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

C O R E {ORIGAMI OWL]

LOVE LOVE LOVE the new products coming soon! This may just be my favorite!

Contact me as soon as possible to schedule your fall event! mckennah1972 (at) gmail (dot) com


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

mothers day is coming!


Mothers Day is one month and 2 days away! What are you getting your mom or wife for her special day?  I can help you design something special for her with an Origami Owl Living Locket. These lockets are beautiful, stylish, versatile and affordable!



This is the perfect way for her to brag on her family or celebrate the things she loves! The last day to order and receive standard shipping is April 30th. Don't wait and have to pay extra! 











Sunday, February 16, 2014

engaged idealist

i took one of the many test that is going around Facebook these days about my personality and got the following, its pretty accurate!

Engaged Idealists are extroverted and helpful. Others find them to be very congenial and inspiring - especially as they are always willing to see the best in the other person. Their humour, their energy and their optimism attract other people.
Engaged Idealists are very good at communicating and are good at convincing and firing on others. That is why it is a matter of course that they often take over the leading role in groups. This personality type often produces very charismatic persons.

Engaged Idealists have an unusually strong ability to empathize  They are tolerant and generous towards others; they sometimes tend to idealise their friends. They always try to suit everybody and want their relationships to be harmonious and satisfactory. To achieve this, they are prepared to invest a great deal and to put their requirements last. As Engaged Idealists are very considerate, there is the danger of them sacrificing and overexerting themselves for others. In their job, they therefore have to be very careful not to develop a burnout syndrome.

Engaged Idealists are reliable, well organised and love structuring complicated situations. They have difficulty accepting criticism; they quickly feel hurt and misunderstood. Their perfectionism also influences their love life - they look for the perfect relationship for life. Once they have made their decision, they are faithful, well-balanced and loving partners. However, should they get involved with the wrong person, it can happen that they allow themselves to be exploited for a long time before they end the relationship.

Adjectives that describe your type
extroverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, committed, likable, enthusiastic, responsible, helpful, loyal, diplomatic, friendly, inspiring, caring, solicitous, optimistic, effusive, adaptable, communicative, articulate, convincing, energetic, optimistic, open, vulnerable
As an Engaged Idealist you are one of the extroverted personality types. You enjoy working in a colorfully diverse group of people who interest and inspire you. Working all by yourself is not your thing. You enjoy emphasizing with those around you and soon everybody senses the high priority and importance people represent to you. Therefore a team-oriented project is just right for you.
Your insight into human nature, your feel for your colleague’s and/or subordinate’s positive sides and potentials and your preparedness to encourage and support everyone around you to the best of your ability quickly brings them closer to you. People like to ask you for advice, appreciate your caring ways and appreciate to be taken under your wings. Within your means you are always available to others who need you because you yourself enjoy the ultimate gratification of being able to help others to make the best of themselves and to be successful mediating conflicts among people.

You are well suited to be an executive: It is difficult to resist your charisma, your enthusiasm and your ability to excite and motivate others. Authoritarian management attitudes are not your thing; it is your way to convince others of a project’s reason and significance who will then look forward to follow you voluntarily. You place a lot of value on creating the willingness to cooperate in others and with your gift to motivate that usually comes easy to you. You do not enjoy conflicts, need harmony and invest lots of energy and time in a good working climate and a harmonic relationship of your colleagues among each other.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

random thoughts

i need to find a pace and settle into it. for the past few weeks i have been wide open trying to do too many things at once. clean everything. organize. love my husband. be a good mom. eat healthy, cut out caffine. help the hubs with his work. sell origami owl. etc etc.

of course i go all in, i'm an addict. i don't know how to do moderation. i'm either all in or none. before i started all of this internal cleansing that resulted in external changes i was caught in a rut. a pretty bad one. when i look back i realize i was really depressed. my days revolved around when i could nap. its all i thought of. seriously. even when i was working full time, i would plan my lunch "breaks" around sleeping. on the weekend i would sleep in, nap with william and then go to bed early. gone were the days of taking turns with christian and allowing him to catch up on sleep.

in my sleep i found something i needed. i found an escape and i found my mom. almost daily she would appear in my dreams. sometimes i would even wake up and think that she was still here. the dreams seemed so real bc more often than not she was dead in my dreams but had come back to life. most of the time only i could see her. sometimes we are sitting in her room having conversations like we used to and sometimes we are out and about and she was healthy. i guess this is part of the grief process. i miss her so much and feel so lost without her that i looked so forward to those times together. sometimes i think i could sleep for a week in the hopes that i would see her again.

grief is such a weird experience. sometimes i can think of her and even replay her death minute by minute and won't feel anything, and sometimes i will weep over not being able to share something so simple as maggie losing a tooth with her.

i was thinking about her a lot yesterday, i think the little girl from williams school who was getting picked up by grandma for the weekend set me off. william was only 18 months when she died. today marks 18 months since she has been gone. tomorrow william will be older than the amount of time that he knew her. something isn't right about that. maggie was only 5 ½, i know that eventually her memories of her grandmother will fade, and it will be up to me to keep those memories alive within her. thats a lot of pressure. that adds to the stress that i already feel. i have a really bad memory and have a hard enough time remembering my own things let alone remembering for someone else. i am not one of those people who says... remember back in so and so when so and so happened. i struggle with memories. i always have. not sure why. i used to think it was bc cause of all the drinking from back in the day but i know ppl who drank/still drink a LOT more than me and don't have issues. i guess its just me, how my mind works.

my mom wasn't much of a journal person. i only have a few random things that she has written down. i wish she would have journaled more. maybe thats a lesson for me. i should start again. i used to journal a LOT. like a new journal almost every other month or so. maybe ill start again. even if just to help me remember things.

anyway this post is a major ramble fest but i just needed to write down that i really miss my mom and its hard. its hard to not have her. its hard to have had such a small family to start with and now that the "glue" that kept us together is gone everything has scattered.

i started this post with the fact that i need to find a pace. i feel myself being drawn back into the sweet escape and i need to call it what it is and resist it. i will not go back to the darkness that is depression.